Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
