i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
