So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
