Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
