i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
