did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Its about making memories worth repressing
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
