he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
