never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
