Why are handjobs necessary in class?
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
My liver just had a heart attack.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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