dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
