Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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