Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Randomize
