Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
These tits shall not be calmed
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