but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
