she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
