she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
