I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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