We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
