I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
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