Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
