Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
