my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
