I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Randomize
