We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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