The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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