I think I won the penis lottery.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
