I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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