I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
