there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
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