I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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