We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize