the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
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