FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Randomize
