So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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