I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize