respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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