i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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