Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
