Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
