Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
