I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Your cock deserves a montage
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
