Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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