Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
