I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
