suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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