I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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