I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
