This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
