Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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