Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
