The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
