I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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