They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize