I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
if i died would you start the facebook group?
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
