I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize