Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
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