Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
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