Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Randomize
