ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Randomize
