my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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