i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Randomize
