Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Randomize