you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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