I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Randomize
