I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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