Me too!
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize