nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Randomize
