I am puke
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I can't put those talents on a resume
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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