The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
