thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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